Cancer!!

So I finally heard from the Doctor today and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. It is cancer and it has to come out!! I don't even think I heard a lot of what he said because I was so upset that I kind of lost him after the word cancer. Cancer is a scary thing for me because we have had it so much in our family and I know so many other people who have been forced to fight it. I have a sweet Aunt who is going through it right now, my heart aches for them, and yet they have stayed so strong. This is a tender subject for me and it always will be. Until you have met someone or know someone personally who has or is going through cancer you will never be able to feel the pain of that word. It changes lives, but I feel like it also gives you strength you could not have gotten any other way. I want to be able to be strong, I hope I can. I think I am in for more than I had ever hoped for. I am hopeful that it could still be more simple than it could be and I wont loose that hope until I am told to. I will be having the surgery in Utah, the surgeon there is suppose to be the best for the thyroid. My Doctor down there told me that the key is to have a good surgeon so they can get it all and hopefully it is still contained so I wont have to do the radiation and all the other crazy things they do. If I have to have radiation I will have to be away from my kids for 6 weeks and that kills me so I am praying hard for that not to happen. The radiation levels would be too high in my body because I wont have a thyroid to suck up the radiation so my kids would be too highly exposed to it. I am worried about the thyroid levels and getting them regulated afterwards so I can actually get out of bed in the morning and not be freezing cold all day! But if that's how it has to be then I will take it and learn to deal with it I guess, I don't have a choice. I hate loosing control of my life, I like to have a say in what happens to me and this feels like I am spinning out of control and I don't like it. I guess that is what life does to us, we never really have control we just think we do. I have a huge fear of surgery and blood clots because of what happened after I had Kenna so this is a fear I am going to try hard to deal with and hope that what happened with Kenna won't happen again, I just wish I knew how. Things can always be worse and I know people who are going through worse things right now, and I have learned so much from them, I have gained strength from them that I am going to need. I am waiting to hear from the surgeon to see when they will do this, I am waiting but not very patiently!! What a bad day I have had!!! I am just grateful to have family close so my kids will be taken care of, and I am grateful for family in Utah, that gives me comfort to know that someone I love and am close to will be near by. This will all work out it might just take a while, and my plans I though I had might just have to be put on hold.