Courage

I love this word of the year thing that so many people are doing! I have never done it before but I have given it lots of thought and there was always a word in my mind that I could have used. It would have been fun to look back and see what word that was all the other years. So this year I am going to start. I feel like maybe I have a difficult year coming I am very afraid of it. Just before New Years Day I was thinking about how wonderful this last year was and how I hated to see it come to a close. That must have been because deep down I knew I was up for a different kind of year. My word for this year is

COURAGE

I know this is what courage should be to me but......

This is more like the way I do things!!!!

I lack courage I just don't have it especially when I am so afraid of something. If any of you know me very well you will know that the hospital is the place I am most afraid of. I had one bad experience when I had Kenna years ago and I remember laying there in the ICU pleading to my Father in Heaven to let me live. I wanted him to let the Doctors figure out what was wrong so I could get better and go home to my little ones waiting for me there. It was quiet and so lonely in that room and soon after I prayed for these things I had family coming in every time one family member left another one would come. I was surrounded by those that I loved and I knew then that I would be okay. But I was so scared. I remember wondering why that all happened? That was not my plan at all, it was suppose to be more simple than that. I was suppose to go home after having that baby not stay in the hospital. This event in my life along with a few others have left me very aware that I am in the Lords hands and it is not my will it is his. And the way that I might want things to happen might not be his way. This scares me I am very afraid of it. I have many family members who have had and have some very difficult medical situations, some scary ones, ones that will stay with them forever. I look up to these people they give me strength. I say to my self often "If they can do it, I can do it". But deep down sometimes I wonder if I really believe that within my self or if it is just easy to say. I know I am weak and I know I am afraid of everything and I mean everything! I am very cautious because I know the bad things that can happen. I think if you ever have something traumatic happen in your life you just become more like this, I don't really know. I know that I am not good at taking things day by day I always have to look to far ahead where it is too blurry to even see clear. This is something I am going to have to work on. On a positive note I know I have some things that I am good at and that is prayer. I pray for everything I don't leave out anything at all. I trust in prayers and I know without a doubt that they are answered. It might take years sometimes but they are answered. I have been so blessed by saying my prayers. I know I have Faith in my Heavenly Father and in his plan, I know it will work out the way he wants it to and it will all be okay in the end. I know I have family and friends not even an arms length away form me willing to help, who have already done so much, people I don't even know, I need these strong people in my life, because right now I am not that strong person. I feel very weak, very afraid of the unknown. I have so many people asking..... so here are the facts that I know about what I am about to face.

I love this isn't it a good laugh for the day!!

First of all I am keeping track of all of this for me to remember and for maybe some of you to help me. My Uncle is so smart and he has remembered everything about his and it has helped me out so much. I might have a niece or nephew or one of my own kids someday need my help on this subject.

You all ask how did this start? The right side of my face is going numb, my ear tingles all day long, I pass out and throw up easily, my neck is swollen.

I went to some Doctors and did many tests, MRIs, ultrasound, blood work and biopsy and found two quarter size lumps on my thyroid and in my thyroid that came out with cancer cells. Two different kind of cells that the Doctor said they wont know for sure until they take them out and cut them open. At first the Doctor told me they were just abnormal cells (I think he did this so he wouldn't scare me) but the nurse had already told me they were cancer cells. I went to get the slides form the pathology with the cells on them so I can take them to the Doctor in Utah and in the package was a report with exactly what kinds of cells they were. I called the office and made sure this was right. In the end it really doesn't matter what the pathology says until they cut them open and see for sure!! I am holding on to that hope that they were wrong on that biopsy somehow!


I had the blood test done that tests for the thyroid cancer gene in my body to see if I am carrying it. It takes fourteen days to get back so I am still waiting.


I am going down to the University of Utah on Monday and then will be sent to the Huntsman Cancer Doctor who will do the surgery. I am very calm about that part, I know I am in good hands. This is where my Uncle Jerry has had all his cancer and surgery taken care of and he said they were the best. He was well taken care of so I am thankful for that. I am praying they will know for sure what to do and it will be more simple than I see it right now. They will do another ultrasound of my thyroid and neck to make sure they haven't missed any other lumps in my neck. I have a couple lymph nodes that have gotten big on my neck lately and I think it is just coming form the ones in the thyroid I hope it isn't anything worse. But they will check those and they will do another biopsy if they need one. I feel like Monday cannot come quick enough for me.

I have always said that no one is operating on me unless I get a baby out of it!! I have had three c-sections and they have all been 100% worth it because I got a beautiful baby out of them. This on the other hand is so not what I had in mind for this year. I am really struggling with the radiation and aftermath of regulating the thyroid the rest of my life. They use to not do radiation and now they do and some of the rules on it are just so much for me right now. Like not being around my kids for such along time really bothers me. The things that bother me will go away eventually and they will only be here a short time. I have to keep focused on that.


The unknown scares me, I want this out of my body and I want to know what it is and have a plan, is that so much to ask for? I am pretty demanding aren't I?? I am not too happy having my neck cut open, that just doesn't appeal to me at all right now, in fact it just makes me sick to think about. I watched my Mom and her siblings go through this and it was not fun and again...it scares me. But they say thyroid cancer is the best kind to have if you are going to have one :)


I am praying and having all the faith I can have. I am hopeful and I will try to stay strong. This week was a down week for me, hard to sleep and hard to stay focused. I am in need of some courage right now. Courage to be strong and courage to accept they will. I hate it when things are out of my control it is so hard for me, this is hard for me but I am hopeful that it will all be okay. Like my aunt Judy always says "I can do hard things"! I know I can, I just don't want to :( I want to be home with my kids playing, I don't want to be in the hospital away from them. It is so hard when I hear people say they are sick of their kids and they want them to go back to school because I am just the opposite :) I want them home with me, I want to be home with them. I will take this one step at a time one foot in front of the other. I will be grateful for this trial for I know it can always be so much worse. It is really a blessing in diguise but I wont know for sure what that blessing is just yet. It will make me stronger, I must be pretty weak. I feel like I hurdle one trial and hit a brick wall after that trial :) I guess I need to learn to hurdle with more distance and not so close to the wall. I will know more Monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!


These are the little people that will keep me focused everyday through this!! I love them so much and they have gotten me through so much I will stay focused on them.